Sometimes when I write, the pen seems to take over and I just follow the flow of words…When I think too much about a topic, I hit a blank wall –It’s like the ideas are in my subconscious and I just need to let them tumble out, unhindered. I also write a lot of poetry to express myself, but I haven’t posted any to this blog. There is always a first time and that time is today. This poem seemed to write itself and I changed almost nothing from the first draft:
Beauty Beheld
You smile bravely
a boyish grin
instantly aged
by chemicals
and poison
You fearlessly
joke
about burnt skin
that hasn't even seen the sun
and cannot
be quenched
by soothing dips
in shady pools
Your strawberry hair
has not yet thinned
or disappeared
but you know it's only a matter of time
and you jest
about bald being beautiful
But it is you
who is beautiful
a genuine beauty
a kind beauty
a soulful beauty
and I want
to become part of you
and learn from your strength
I want to kiss you slowly
and make time stop
to show you
how strong you really are
I want
to turn you inside out
so the world
can see your beauty
like I do
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Monday, 11 June 2007
Learning, Listening, Believing
I think at some point in time we all stop to wonder why…it doesn’t matter what the question is, you can always ask why and never be satisfied with the answer. Why do planes stay up in the air? Why is the ocean blue? Why do people get cancer? I’m baffled at the apparent randomness of it, especially since it has hit someone I’m close to and care about. A feeling of helplessness envelops you and you realize how little you can actually do. Even though you can maintain a physical presence, comforting words and embraces, the disease remains there – an ever-present demon who threatens each and every moment, relentless, but most of all meaningless and purposeless…
Or is it?
We have become hardened – it takes so much more to shock us than our ancestors – we are bold, we are pushy and we are entitled, or so we think. (We are a completely different generation than our parents, and we should prepare for the same fast forward evolution with our own kids.) It is difficult to look for gratitude every day, to be thankful for another trip around the sun every year when we are surrounded by complacency. Gentle reminders don’t appear to work. We as humans tend to be smug in our lives, maybe we need to odd shake up to jolt us back to reality – to remind us of how precious this life we live really is.
My friend has cancer. I’ve known ‘of’ many people who have also had it, but have never had the opportunity to talk to them – it was something you didn’t mention, or something they didn’t mention. But my friend and I talked, openly, forward and honestly…and I listened.
He is scared, and I am scared for him. I have already learned a lot, I am learning more but there is still so much more for me to learn. When you dig deep enough past our moral crust, you get to the real heat – the passion and the intensity we all possess – you see people in different lights, and appreciate their darkness at the same time.
It seems that the simplest things are what make the biggest difference. Humour inserted where you never thought it could be funny, where the laughter is genuine, not forced or nervous. We are leaning positively, because to think anything else is inconceivable. As if by thinking it you allow it to happen – so we leave that stone unturned where it is.
And sometimes we just talk about other things – like what our future aspirations are, how we feel about the housing market, or our preferred musical tastes. I didn’t know his favourite band was Great Big Sea – the things you learn when you actually listen.
What else have I learned? His smile is contagious, his hair is soft, and he can’t spell worth beans, but it makes him quirky and loveable all the same. He will get through this, and we will be right beside him, because we listen and because we believe.
Or is it?
We have become hardened – it takes so much more to shock us than our ancestors – we are bold, we are pushy and we are entitled, or so we think. (We are a completely different generation than our parents, and we should prepare for the same fast forward evolution with our own kids.) It is difficult to look for gratitude every day, to be thankful for another trip around the sun every year when we are surrounded by complacency. Gentle reminders don’t appear to work. We as humans tend to be smug in our lives, maybe we need to odd shake up to jolt us back to reality – to remind us of how precious this life we live really is.
My friend has cancer. I’ve known ‘of’ many people who have also had it, but have never had the opportunity to talk to them – it was something you didn’t mention, or something they didn’t mention. But my friend and I talked, openly, forward and honestly…and I listened.
He is scared, and I am scared for him. I have already learned a lot, I am learning more but there is still so much more for me to learn. When you dig deep enough past our moral crust, you get to the real heat – the passion and the intensity we all possess – you see people in different lights, and appreciate their darkness at the same time.
It seems that the simplest things are what make the biggest difference. Humour inserted where you never thought it could be funny, where the laughter is genuine, not forced or nervous. We are leaning positively, because to think anything else is inconceivable. As if by thinking it you allow it to happen – so we leave that stone unturned where it is.
And sometimes we just talk about other things – like what our future aspirations are, how we feel about the housing market, or our preferred musical tastes. I didn’t know his favourite band was Great Big Sea – the things you learn when you actually listen.
What else have I learned? His smile is contagious, his hair is soft, and he can’t spell worth beans, but it makes him quirky and loveable all the same. He will get through this, and we will be right beside him, because we listen and because we believe.
Sunday, 3 June 2007
Belief in self...
Life should constitute being satisfied with what you have, and acknowledging it as you have chosen to live it. Yet people are constantly desirous of what others have, the way others live, and how others look. Being sucked in by this jealousy compromises our ability to fully live our own lives. It drags us around. This ugly emotion serves no purpose other than self destruction. We crave material goods, like cars and houses, but also perceived happiness. Why do we want what others have, and why, once we get it, are we not assuaged? This is not new – it has been said before in many ways and deep inside, we all know it, but putting it into practice requires an open heart, a steady soul and, most importantly, a willingness to believe in yourself.
When we start to question ourselves our inner health begins to diminish. It is fundamental to our emotional, and ultimately physical, wellbeing that we find ways to be happy with what we have and who we are. If that is impossible, then it is essential to find the courage to be able to make it something with which we will be appeased. I think I keep returning to this idea because it is so vital to an individual’s happiness, and also because it is a lesson I have learned firsthand.
To begin, we must look inward, and not at what is going on around us. Unless we are happy with our core being, nothing around us will make us happy negative energy will radiates back out. I am a prime example, so I speak from experience, unlike many others who are quick to give advice out, yet live by opposing rules.
For years, I experienced intense lack of self esteem – I was insecure and had no positive body image, even though looking back at pictures of myself I wasn’t overweight by any means. I would try over and over to ‘lose a couple pounds’ but never completely applied myself, and constantly believed that I wouldn’t be able to do it. So I remained the same size, and I just felt even worse. Many changes in my life slowly built up my inner confidence, but I always had niggling doubts inside that would not leave. You can have people telling you you are pretty, that you look OK, but if you doubt yourself, then it will never become a reality. There is no one turning point that I can look back at, but more of a general evolution of self that slowly transformed me. And maybe that was what worked. No immediate change can take place; you must be prepared to hunker down and commit to this decision.
This lifestyle change lead to a more confident me, no longer shy and reserved or hiding behind a quiet personality. I stopped worrying about what others thought of me, because chances were they weren’t even thinking about me at all. I became someone who was happy with what she had, not pining for what others had or what I thought I should have. This inner contentment has lead to an outer happiness that is quite apparent in my demeanor. I have been told I am more outgoing now, that I laugh more, that I exude a quiet confidence that belies the person I used to think I was.
It was not the easiest thing I have ever done, nor was it the most challenging, but I can say without doubt that it was one of the most gratifying changes I have come through, even though it resulted in the dissolution of my relationship . It gave me the courage to strike out on my own again after 14 years…
Somewhere along the way, I have come up with my own mantra:
Belief is powerful, belief in self is empowering.
When we start to question ourselves our inner health begins to diminish. It is fundamental to our emotional, and ultimately physical, wellbeing that we find ways to be happy with what we have and who we are. If that is impossible, then it is essential to find the courage to be able to make it something with which we will be appeased. I think I keep returning to this idea because it is so vital to an individual’s happiness, and also because it is a lesson I have learned firsthand.
To begin, we must look inward, and not at what is going on around us. Unless we are happy with our core being, nothing around us will make us happy negative energy will radiates back out. I am a prime example, so I speak from experience, unlike many others who are quick to give advice out, yet live by opposing rules.
For years, I experienced intense lack of self esteem – I was insecure and had no positive body image, even though looking back at pictures of myself I wasn’t overweight by any means. I would try over and over to ‘lose a couple pounds’ but never completely applied myself, and constantly believed that I wouldn’t be able to do it. So I remained the same size, and I just felt even worse. Many changes in my life slowly built up my inner confidence, but I always had niggling doubts inside that would not leave. You can have people telling you you are pretty, that you look OK, but if you doubt yourself, then it will never become a reality. There is no one turning point that I can look back at, but more of a general evolution of self that slowly transformed me. And maybe that was what worked. No immediate change can take place; you must be prepared to hunker down and commit to this decision.
This lifestyle change lead to a more confident me, no longer shy and reserved or hiding behind a quiet personality. I stopped worrying about what others thought of me, because chances were they weren’t even thinking about me at all. I became someone who was happy with what she had, not pining for what others had or what I thought I should have. This inner contentment has lead to an outer happiness that is quite apparent in my demeanor. I have been told I am more outgoing now, that I laugh more, that I exude a quiet confidence that belies the person I used to think I was.
It was not the easiest thing I have ever done, nor was it the most challenging, but I can say without doubt that it was one of the most gratifying changes I have come through, even though it resulted in the dissolution of my relationship . It gave me the courage to strike out on my own again after 14 years…
Somewhere along the way, I have come up with my own mantra:
Belief is powerful, belief in self is empowering.
Saturday, 2 June 2007
Guilty Pleasures
We all have them; and most of us indulge them from time to time, whether it be Häagen Dazs Ice Cream, M&M’s, expensive designer coffee, a new outfit/shoes we didn’t need, or a trip to a tropical destination. I used to wonder what I was hiding from as I snuck that bowl of ice cream after the kids went to bed, what could possibly happen if someone found out? It really didn’t matter, because guilty pleasures are just that, guilt –and we ironically try to hide it from the only person we can’t, ourselves, then mentally justify our actions.
I often wonder why something that gives you instant gratification also makes you feel bad afterwards. In most cases, the guilt arrives only after the deed is done. I ate too much food; I spent too much money etc. Looking at the root of guilt is where to start. If you are deriving pleasure from spending money, perhaps the initial step should be to seek out a similar activity from which you can extract the same pleasure at a lower cost. I’ve also read that binge eating can be linked to insecurity issues, and is being used to fill some other void in one’s life. Finding something else to put in that gaping hole, aside from food, can often be the solution.
I’ve learned there are several ways to deal with this:
-Develop a stronger willpower so you don’t succumb to these urges thus assuaging the guilt
-Let go of the guilt altogether – indulge, enjoy because once you don’t feel bad for enjoying something, the joy you feel while partaking will multiply.
But I am no psychologist – I write what I see, I write what I feel, and I write what I know inside. And what I know is that many things that used to rip me apart inside have been banished to my inner annals. The guilt is gone.
I run and I eat as much as I like.
I budget and buy the things that mean the most.
I sing in the car, I laugh out loud, I smile and talk to strangers.
And I sleep in the nude and dream in the rain. I am content.
I often wonder why something that gives you instant gratification also makes you feel bad afterwards. In most cases, the guilt arrives only after the deed is done. I ate too much food; I spent too much money etc. Looking at the root of guilt is where to start. If you are deriving pleasure from spending money, perhaps the initial step should be to seek out a similar activity from which you can extract the same pleasure at a lower cost. I’ve also read that binge eating can be linked to insecurity issues, and is being used to fill some other void in one’s life. Finding something else to put in that gaping hole, aside from food, can often be the solution.
I’ve learned there are several ways to deal with this:
-Develop a stronger willpower so you don’t succumb to these urges thus assuaging the guilt
-Let go of the guilt altogether – indulge, enjoy because once you don’t feel bad for enjoying something, the joy you feel while partaking will multiply.
But I am no psychologist – I write what I see, I write what I feel, and I write what I know inside. And what I know is that many things that used to rip me apart inside have been banished to my inner annals. The guilt is gone.
I run and I eat as much as I like.
I budget and buy the things that mean the most.
I sing in the car, I laugh out loud, I smile and talk to strangers.
And I sleep in the nude and dream in the rain. I am content.
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