Monday 31 August 2009

What if…?

As I walked the final block to my office building this morning the thought went through my mind, “What if I had walked on the other side of the street?” Could something as insignificant as choosing to walk on one side of the street versus the other have any impact on the big picture in life? Many movies have been made that show the completely different paths that a person’s life could have taken, had they made one decision over another. And if you believe that fate is in control of our destiny then it can be argued that no matter what path you take, what decision you make, the outcome will always be the same.

The question “What if…?” comes up often when people have been involved in accidents or occasions of bad luck; “What if I had left for work 5 minutes earlier?” or “What if I’d gone back to check if the stove was still on?”

I think one of my recurring “What ifs” goes back to my marriage. I was out running the other day and while I run, I think…a lot. I was reflecting on how happy I have been recently. I have someone in my life who supports me without question. When I first began running, around 10 years ago now, my husband at the time begrudgingly accepted it into our lives. But as time wore on, and my first half marathon came and went, and I decided that I wanted to attempt a full, the begrudging acceptance turned into minor resentment. I was told that the long training runs I did were taking away from ‘family time’, even though I scheduled these runs early on Saturday mornings long before the rest of the family were even thinking about waking up. I was made to feel like a selfish person, sacrificing my family for my fitness and my race goals, even though deep inside I knew this not to be the case. The person I was back then was guilted easily. I cut back on runs that I knew I needed so I would be there to make breakfast for the family. Deep down I knew that this was a ploy, but I could not bring myself to do otherwise.

Then I wondered…what if I left…?

I used to think it rude to leave in the middle of a movie, or stop part way through a book – as though you were personally insulting the author by not finishing, so I plodded through plotless books and movies that didn’t interest me beyond the first ten minutes.

But after a period of stagnation I realized that life was too short to be wasted watching movies that no longer interested me, or reading books where the plot sizzled out somewhere around page 237, or remaining a marriage that not only no longer fulfilled me, but saddened me. I was accused of giving up, of not trying hard enough, but when I weighed the cost of the fight, over the benefit of a clear conscience, there was no choice to be made – it was already done – I just didn’t know it.

So I left…Because I could do nothing else.
And maybe it just hit me one day
That I could just get up and walk out…

The funny thing is since I left I’ve sometimes wondered…what if I stayed?

Thursday 21 May 2009

Grinning from ear to ear…

There’s never anything wrong with shaking it up a little, and I recently have done just that. I took my first steps, or perhaps I should say my first pedals, on a bona fide mountain bike. I really only have one thing to say about this, WooHoo!

Ok, I have ridden bikes for most of my life. I learned how to ride as a child when my grandfather sat me on a bicycle and pushed me down a hill. It was a sink or swim (aka ride or fall down) reaction, and before I knew it I was riding all around my grandparents’ farm that summer. My parents had bought me my first bike, a blue SuperCycle, earlier that year, but because I couldn’t ride it yet, stared longingly at it until I returned from my summer vacation. I upgraded quickly to an orange three speed bike, high tech for its day. Bikes came and went over the years but I stayed on the road and the sidewalk, never venturing much farther off the beaten path.

I purchased my first bike in Winnipeg when I moved there in 1989, a fully rigid Yokota Ahwanee hybrid, and still have the bike, 20 years later. It is heavy and cumbersome to lug up and down the stairs, but it has taken me through numerous adventure races, and many hundreds of miles. I have gotten my money and more back from the bike, and it still holds a very special place in my life, as I still ride it on a regular basis.

But when I found an enthusiastic cycling partner who introduced me to off-road biking, combined with a nice income tax refund, I knew it was time to take the next step. The Yokota, unfortunately, is not bike enough to tackle trails, so I began shopping for a something that could. That “something” came in the form of a Giant TranceX4. Knowing absolutely nothing about bikes made it a challenge, but advice flew at me from all angles, and before long I was immersed in bike-speak. I learned the difference between a soft-tail, hard-tail and dual suspension, could understand V-brakes versus disc versus hydraulic disc. And fortunately, I was able to get my wish list for the price I had planned to pay.

Being an avid runner I was not prepared for the intense burn that came with the short hill-climbing bursts, and I was definitely surprised to find that trees are more difficult to out-maneuver when you are approaching them at ‘faster-than-running’ speed. But I laugh when I fall down and I get up and continue on. It has been a wonderful break from running, and I have met some great people who are more than happy to share advice and insults. This group thinks “It’s funny until someone gets hurt, then it’s hilarious!” and “If you are not hurting after a day of biking, you must be road riding.” I love their attitudes and the positive vibes I get when around them. There is no competition, only camaraderie.

So I am currently preparing for a weekend of MTBing near Minaki Ontario. I am excited and pleased that I have found other interests that challenge me like running has. I’m off to leave a little DNA on trail!

Friday 17 April 2009

Routinely breaking routine…

Routines can be comforting, but if we begin to rely on them completely, it is very easy to become boring, stagnant and stuck. Some people get too attached and then find they are unable to break free and the once reassuring routine becomes an obsessive hindrance that cannot be discarded as easily as shrugging off a jacket. It literally becomes a part of who they are as a person, and how they start to classify themselves. We need to be able to characterize ourselves by who we are inside more than by what we do outside.

Some routines are useful and can serve a purpose. My mornings are carefully choreographed to allow me time to drop off my children and get to work. It’s been broken every now and then due to an alarm not going off, or a snooze button pressed one too many times. On those rushed days, when I am scrambling, and my schedule goes out the window, so does my well ordered morning. I have forgotten to brush my teeth some days (thank goodness for a spare in my desk drawer!) and have wondered why there is no coffee in the pot because in my haste I didn’t fill the reservoir when I turned it on. But these little blips serve to show me how useful some daily habits can be. Some you just cannot break without consequence, like being at work on time. However, I have learned that others are accommodating, if you are willing to bend a little.

That’s where some lose it - being unwilling to flex. People say they simply have no choice, when actually they do. But the choice is between doing something, period, or not doing it at all. And that is where we differ. I have been a single mom for the last three years. I have my kids half time, makes it challenging to fit in training runs. So an after-work scheduled eight mile tempo can quickly become abbreviated to four or five to allow myself time to pick them up. But five is infinitely better than zero, so I take what I can get. At least I am willing to acknowledge it. Then there are times when it is just not possible to get out and run at all, and I accept that. Those days are used for weights and core training at home. There are people who would give up long before they hit the first obstacle and I feel sorry for them.

Each January I look at people who make New Year’s resolutions that end up shattered before the month is out. Most people don’t realize that before a habit can be formed you must repeat the action at least 21 times. Many people don’t make it past four or five. Just knowing that little fact makes it easier to form a plan, if indeed that is your honest intention. Once you have established your routine, only then should you begin to modify it. The willingness to adapt comes with making priorities in your life. Once that is sorted out, it all becomes easy. I like being the willow in the wind – I’m good at bending, and I’m not broken yet.

Monday 6 April 2009

Putting it all out there…

I had always been afraid of speaking to a crowd – even if I knew everyone there. To present in front of my class, even as recently as six years ago nearly paralyzed me. All that changed when I joined a social running club. Our head was leaving and asked me to get involved; General consensus agreed, and I reluctantly stepped up into a position that utterly terrified me. I was expected to take control and speak in front of this group of people at each gathering, which differed in general makeup from week to week.

The first time I blatantly stuttered and left long empty pauses. Peoples’ expectant gazes as they waited for me to continue made my palms sweat. My heart skipped so many beats that I am sure I used up a couple months of my life in that short hour. I could barely meet anyone’s eyes, and I was positive they were all laughing at me inside. At the end of the first week I silently regretted the moment I agreed to take on this role. I was not cut out for such a visible position and I wondered how I could politely extract myself and just blend back into the group where I’d felt the most comfortable, because there no one noticed me, and there no one looked at me and I was used to that.

Ironically, it was my reluctance to say anything to anyone about how ill at ease I felt that kept me in that position, week after week. As I became more and more easy with the routine I found myself relaxing and my issues with speaking in front of a crowd began to fade, even if only with these people. If I had been given the choice or the means to change my mind, I’m sure I’d still be sweaty palmed and pale each time I opened my mouth with more than five people present.

Since that point, and on a daily basis, I try to initiate interactions with people, even if I feel shy or uncomfortable. I find the more I push myself, the easier things get. It doesn’t take a confident person to stand up in front of a group of people, but by doing so you will end up cultivating that confidence. To set yourself up for the possibility of failure, rejection or embarrassment requires a certain amount of courage. We all have it in some measure. In the end it doesn’t matter whether you succeed or not, what matters is you tried. Because it is just too easy to give up. You can hide and play it safe, and dig yourself deeper into your comfort zone or you can choose to take that leap, and experience the heart pounding rush that is often confused with fear: Exhilarating in its own right!

Tuesday 17 March 2009

The Return

After neglecting this site for too long I return to my insights, re-energized, rejuvenated and ready to jump back into the words I have left behind while life has taken me in a different direction.

Today I am feeling almost re-born. I think when we do things for ourselves, taking time not to be selfish, but for self, we emerge on the other side with fresh perspective, positive outlook and ideas that didn’t exist before. That is how I feel right now. I want to take on the world and throw my words to the wolves. I want them to devour them and ask for more. I want to expose myself…right down to the naked core of my being so it is apparent that I have given all I have to give. I want to be judged fairly and impartially. I want to dig deeper for meaning, and actually find it.

Many things have transpired since my last post. The details are not important, but the end-result is that I have actually listened to myself, and followed through with what I told myself I would do. I am in a stronger and somehow more spiritual place. It is calm here, and I am happy.

There are many things I want to do and to have, and I know with time, with belief and with action, they will be mine. But in order for that to happen, I have to be strong, and I have to be firm and most of all, I have to believe in myself. Right now, that’s not such a big task. Until later!