Thursday 27 September 2007

Questioning that which cannot be questioned

There are things we experience that we cannot explain, and that, even if we could, others could never understand. Emotions take hold of us, turn us inside out, and spit us into a fumbling mess that only makes sense to one person.

My mess is also my bliss. The melding of two separate individuals into a single entity, for a brief moment in time, is completely irrational and unexplainable, and as I type this, I wonder why I am even bothering to try.

Maybe because I have been moved beyond words. That my heart has stood absolutely still. That my world has faded into the background. These moments are so few and so far between that it hurts to have them spoiled by exterior forces. So I block that out, and focus only on the now, because my now is so rare. And my moments are continually counting down.

There are scientific and biological explanations for what one feels, but when you are in the middle of the fray, it is difficult to put any distance between yourself, and what you are feeling, even if it is explained in the form of hormones and genes. Emotions cannot be measured by any logical or systematic method, simply because they are not logical or systematic.

And I still attempt to explain the unexplainable.

So I will concede failure. And with it, revel in what I feel, not knowing how long it will last, how strong it will stay, or how infallible it will remain. But it is inside me right here, right now. That is what I know. At the moment, it is all I want to know. I cannot change the past, I cannot influence the future, but I can be in the present. And I am.

I have explained nothing, but at the same time, I have explained everything.

Doing what I do…but not the best…

I am not a mind-reader…

I guess there are times when people just assume that I am. I am human. I make mistakes. I lose track of time. I become oblivious. More so when I am preoccupied. I think I’d be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t experience this once in a while. So I just have to hope that others file this information away, and understand that this is who I am…and who most people are or have been at one point or another. Sometimes I just need to be told what others are thinking and feeling. It is much easier that way than constantly guessing.

With so much going on in my life, my mind and, of late, my heart, I just cannot be everything to everyone. So I am not. And I don’t profess to be. I learned this a long time ago, and in the recent past it has been reiterated. So if people think I am selfish or uncaring, I cannot change that. The same way that I cannot change something that has already happened. So I must be content with mistakes I have made, learn from them and move on.

So I continue on this wonky path, knowing that somewhere along the way, and at many times, I will probably say or do the wrong thing, and not even know it. For this I apologize in advance. It’s all I can do.

Monday 10 September 2007

Putting it all into Perspective

Why is it that death has it own macabre way of slapping us in the face and telling us to smarten up? And why do we continue to only pay attention for a scant few days before reverting back to our mundane, presupposed lives? Are we so stupid, or perhaps so self-absorbed, that we assume we are above these teachings?

If every person who vowed to change after being touched by death actually followed through we would have completely different dynamic on this earth. As memories fade, so do those good intentions. It’s not that we are blatantly ignoring these “best laid plans”, but despite death, life gets in the way.

That said, I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing; one thing that is repeated over and over when one is faced with a passing is that “Life goes on”. Most certainly death would win us over if we completely stopped living and let the darkness we feel consume us, but it also wins if we continually ignore its messages.

So what is its message? It differs for each person. For one it may mean mending fences with estranged relatives. For another it means signing up for wind surfing lessons after countless summers of intending just that. And for still another it may mean to travel more.

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to, I just can’t drop everything to travel the world before I die, because in my case, life does get in the way – bills must be paid, children must be educated and cared for, and shelter must be maintained. But I have realized that I can change in small ways, and remember to live my life to the fullest I possibly can each and every day. To close my eyes at night knowing that if did not wake up, people around me would know how I felt. I do admit I slip up from time to time. I am, after all, human. I have found, however, the more I make myself aware of this path, the easier it is to follow. Also, like any habit, it requires continual maintenance to form; following through with intentions is no different.

But at the end of the day, for me, it means to never forget, or take for granted, those who are close to me. To tell the people I care about, how I feel, often enough so that they know and remember, and to follow my heart and the dreams within. So I say this now, to those of you who hold that special place in my life, “Thank you for being in my life, for making me laugh and smile, for caring about my well being, for running each mile with me, and most of all, for loving me just because I am me.”