Selfless to Settling to Selfish

I knew that my life was about to change when there came an “Aha” moment and I realized that I didn’t want to settle anymore. At the time, I didn’t think I had a choice, and, because I thought that way, I didn’t. But let me backtrack…

Selflessà As a new wife, of course I focused on my husband, our home. As a mother, the shift was even more pronounced and somewhere along the way I just began to give it all away – keeping nothing for myself. Isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Views shift as you mature, and you begin to focus on the external, doing for others because it just feels good. I always took the burnt steak or toast. If there wasn’t enough bacon for everyone, I just went without. The kids and my husband always came first. After a while it felt normal, and just what everyone expected of me so I didn’t notice it anymore. I began to settle.

Settling à Life seemed to be about everyone but me. I had actually convinced myself that this was just the way it was. I don’t remember when the shift back actually began but sometimes I had frighteningly brief glimpses of my future. I remember lying awake some nights and wondering how much more I could give? How would I muster the energy to do this for the rest of my life? I was draining my very life essence away – and I couldn’t say anything, Because of the nature of who I was at the time, I wouldn’t say anything. I must have recognized at one point that if I continued thusly I would start to resent the very people I professed to love, and I could not let that happen.

Selfish à Everyone is selfish as a child – egocentric – the world revolves around and exists only for you. As you mature you realize that there are others in the world, and that being selfish is not so nice. As an adult the brief moments when I considered taking something for myself, I remember feeling a horrible guilt, “I should not be doing this!” It went on like that for a long time. My inner make-up was solidly built and not an easy barrier to break down. I think the turning point came shortly after I ran my first marathon. I realized that I loved running, how it made me feel on the inside and the outside. It stripped away the stresses of everyday life, and calmed me to the point where I knew that, “AHA! I had found my panacea”. This was going to help me. And I knew that by doing this, I was being completely selfish, probably for the first time in my adult life. In time I learned that it is completely acceptable to be selfish now and then if it means that you are going to be a better person for those around you. Taking time for yourself doing things that contribute to your well-being will go far when it comes time for you to give back.

Unfortunately not everyone saw things the way I did. But that’s another story. For the most part, being sometimes selfish has been a positive in my life. My kids see it, and understand it, and have their own selfish moments too. I let them, because I don’t want them to settle like I did.