Selfless to Settling to Selfish

I knew that my life was about to change when there came an “Aha” moment and I realized that I didn’t want to settle anymore. At the time, I didn’t think I had a choice, and, because I thought that way, I didn’t. But let me backtrack…

Selflessà As a new wife, of course I focused on my husband, our home. As a mother, the shift was even more pronounced and somewhere along the way I just began to give it all away – keeping nothing for myself. Isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Views shift as you mature, and you begin to focus on the external, doing for others because it just feels good. I always took the burnt steak or toast. If there wasn’t enough bacon for everyone, I just went without. The kids and my husband always came first. After a while it felt normal, and just what everyone expected of me so I didn’t notice it anymore. I began to settle.

Settling à Life seemed to be about everyone but me. I had actually convinced myself that this was just the way it was. I don’t remember when the shift back actually began but sometimes I had frighteningly brief glimpses of my future. I remember lying awake some nights and wondering how much more I could give? How would I muster the energy to do this for the rest of my life? I was draining my very life essence away – and I couldn’t say anything, Because of the nature of who I was at the time, I wouldn’t say anything. I must have recognized at one point that if I continued thusly I would start to resent the very people I professed to love, and I could not let that happen.

Selfish à Everyone is selfish as a child – egocentric – the world revolves around and exists only for you. As you mature you realize that there are others in the world, and that being selfish is not so nice. As an adult the brief moments when I considered taking something for myself, I remember feeling a horrible guilt, “I should not be doing this!” It went on like that for a long time. My inner make-up was solidly built and not an easy barrier to break down. I think the turning point came shortly after I ran my first marathon. I realized that I loved running, how it made me feel on the inside and the outside. It stripped away the stresses of everyday life, and calmed me to the point where I knew that, “AHA! I had found my panacea”. This was going to help me. And I knew that by doing this, I was being completely selfish, probably for the first time in my adult life. In time I learned that it is completely acceptable to be selfish now and then if it means that you are going to be a better person for those around you. Taking time for yourself doing things that contribute to your well-being will go far when it comes time for you to give back.

Unfortunately not everyone saw things the way I did. But that’s another story. For the most part, being sometimes selfish has been a positive in my life. My kids see it, and understand it, and have their own selfish moments too. I let them, because I don’t want them to settle like I did.

Me? A Clothes Horse...Not bloody likely!

My significant other and I were having breakfast one morning not too long ago…I had showered and dressed for work and he looked at me and said, “You don’t buy clothes very often do you?”. At first I thought it was a reflection on my wardrobe choice, perhaps he thought it outdated or something, but he continued on with, “I was just thinking that I can’t remember you ever buying clothes other than running stuff.” (We’ve been together for over a year now). And I thought to myself for a moment and could not remember the last time I had gone into a store to purchase an article of casual clothing aside from the bathing suit I bought when we went to Jamaica in February.

This simple statement started gears turning inside my head. I thought about the times I’ve been to Winners or other larger clothing stores, discount or otherwise. I seem to glide blindly through the racks, fingering fabric, looking at random pieces but seeing rows upon rows of nothing. I usually get frustrated and impatient and end up leaving empty-handed. Then there are other times (fewer and much farther between) when I go into smaller stores, head straight to the clearance rack and find something in less than a minute.

At most stores the racks are usually organized by S-M-L etc. so I can head straight to my size. The difference being the larger stores have what seems like an unremitting selection. I get completely overwhelmed with so many choices and almost panic. I have come to the realization that if I have to choose from a store carrying 30+ shirts or one carrying 5 shirts, I will almost always find something I like in the store with only 5 shirts. When there are fewer choices to make the easier it is for me. (I have the same issues at ice-cream parlors where there are a multitude of flavors...I find it easier to choose between vanilla and chocolate than 45 different flavours.) I envy those women who can spend hours in these stores and emerge with fashionable wardrobes that they have put together from the endless racks.

It may be because I still have insecurities when it comes to choosing clothes that look good on me. I always find flaws. For some reason I seem to do better when I don’t actually try the clothes on first (perhaps internally it is easier for me to like the piece if I get it home and try it on because returning it becomes a huge chore -- keeping it seems less complicated). And I do best when someone else buys the clothes for me as a gift (again, the “not having a choice” comes into play). So I suppose my SO is a lucky man, living with a woman who is afraid to shop for clothes.

Anyone want to be my personal shopper?