In all seriousness…no really…

It has come to my attention that my posts of late are on the way-too-serious side…I’ve been reflecting so deeply to the point that I am starting to gasp for air and it takes too long for me to surface these days…I think I may need to lighten up and perhaps reflect on the lighter side of my life.

My sister-in-law and I trade positive affirmations on a daily basis…These “affirmations” are intended to put a cheerful swing on our activities of the last 24 hours as well as look optimistically ahead to what may be in store for us for that day. In the last year I must admit we have taken positive to a whole new level…

Do you remember when you were in school and you were about to write an exam and muttered under your breath, “I’m going to fail this test.” The teacher hears you and tells you to think positively, so then you mutter, “I am POSITIVE I’m going to fail this test.” That is the twist we have adopted with our routine updates. We are at the point where we now search for the most depressing part of our day to contort into a positively negative twist.

For example…she was having a rushed morning a couple of weeks ago so didn’t have a lot of time to style her hair the way she normally does. This is part of her affirmation list from that day:

• I did my hair this morning…it isn’t drying naturally
• People in the office aren’t asking…did you get a perm?
• Yes, I got a perm

It makes me smile and starts the day off on a light note…
It has also come to the point where we will try to out-affirm each other with the most outlandish statements we can muster up, not an easy thing to do first thing in the morning with barely a cup of coffee in our bloodstream. I find it gets my creativity kick-started and often I end up jotting down a few lines which sometimes end up as part of a blog topic. Another example shows how I turned my immense discomfort from a 5 day scorching heat wave this summer into a positive experience which I blogged about back in July (see “Heat”)

• I slept comfortably the entire night.
• It was cool and lovely in my apartment when I got home last night.
• It was cool and lovely in my apartment when I left for work this morning.
• I am just reveling in this weather.
• It is absolutely gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• I did not come to work strictly for the air-conditioning.

And then there are the running affirmations…this sport which we both do and love and hate at the same time has been the source of many laugh-out-loud mornings…this from my sister-in-law four weeks after blackening her toenail while running the Manitoba Marathon:

• I didn’t pull off my toenail last night.
• It hurt.
• I have a new toenail under it.
• It doesn’t hurt now.
• I can wear open-toe shoes.

And mine after a particularly tough, but satisfying, hill workout:

• Hills are my friend.
• I didn’t nearly lose a lung after my 7th repeat.
• My muscles weren’t screaming after I was done.
• I wanted to run at least 5 more.

And thus begins each day…
I think we need to inject humour into our daily lives. What manner that humour comes to us is unique to each individual. I have had a year of seriousness that I have tried to punctuate with small clips of joy. This is one way for me to start my workday on a high note.

• I hope none of you ever get this opportunity.
  :)

Doing Something Right…

There are times in this mother’s life when I realize that things I’ve done, the morals and values that reside within me and the way I conduct my life, have silently and stealthily transferred to my children and all I can do is smile and beam with pride.

I had taken my two boys shopping for Halloween costumes at Walmart and while we were browsing the extensive selection of costumes and other assorted items, my youngest, who had gone over one aisle to look for props, called to me, “Mom, look at this!” Thinking he had found a particularly gory knife, or scary mask I glanced up to see him holding a small black change purse. I figured he’d found something to hold his allowance. When he shook it, it jingled and he handed it to me telling me to open it. Considering where we were in the store, I became suspicious and thought that it was a gag purse and prepared myself for something to pop out. I slowly pried the clasp apart and tentatively gazed inside, surprised to find close to $10 worth of loonies and twoonies. I looked at my son and immediately he said that we had to take it to the front because someone must have lost it. I told him we could do it on our way out of the store…but when the time came to check out we had both forgotten about it – he had put it in his pants pocket and I was mentally calculating how much our purchase would come to. We got in the car and started the drive home. Several blocks away he exclaimed from the back seat in a somewhat panicked voice, “Mom! We have to go back to Walmart RIGHT NOW!” Again, preoccupied, I figured he had forgotten an integral part of his costume…I was ready to tell him we’d go back another day when he revealed he still had the purse in his pocket.

So I turned the car around and headed back to the store. Back in the parking lot, I dropped him at the doors and went to park the car, telling him I’d meet him inside. When I got there he was explaining the situation to a somewhat preoccupied woman at the customer service desk. Not once breaking a smile, or even thanking him, she took the purse from him and told him she would put it in the office. And that was that. I stood there with him momentarily, waiting for her to perhaps thank him for his honesty, or something. But she was already looking to the next person in line.

Missing these subtleties, my son grabbed my hand and we walked back to the car, him chattering away wondering if the little girl (for he had convinced himself it belonged to a girl) would come back looking for it. He seemed quite proud of his actions and I’d wished he’d been more rewarded for his kindness…not monetarily, but by some sort of acknowledgement. So I did the only thing I knew and gave him a hug and told him how proud I was of him.

Not once in this entire encounter did he even hint at wanting to keep the money. Not once was there any question of not returning this purse. And I wondered how many other 9 year olds, let alone how many adults, would have done the same thing…the purse was small and barely noticeable, and the contents were almost dismissible in the entire scheme of things. But this little boy was insistent he do the right thing. And by him doing the right thing, I was rewarded knowing that in the way I have conducted myself around my children has evidently worn off. So in a sense, I am also doing the right thing…it feels pretty good.

On the Periphery

I have never truly felt like I belonged. For as long as I can remember, I have always been conscious of the fact that I tend to hover around the periphery of the social groups to which I belong. Be it work, or school, or extracurricular and to some extent even my own family (in larger gatherings), I have never felt completely secure.

To others who know me, this may sound absolutely and utterly unfounded, but to me, who is experiencing my own life in the first person, the gap exists, and it is very real. There have been rare moments where I do feel the intense unconditional acceptance, and I nearly buckle at the knees because the feeling is overwhelming.

But for now, I stand back, and begin to question why I feel this way:

The fact that it is present in all circles in my life tells me that it is not something that is unique to a specific group. This also reveals to me that this has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with other people, or group dynamics. I am obviously, unintentially, the catalyst.

I think who we are deep inside, and who we present to the outer world are very different people, and we tend to try to bury the characteristics we don’t want to display. But every now and then, the soil of our existence erodes, and our true selves sneak back up for air. It is this self that may be responsible for my feelings of marginality.

I can trace this feeling back to grade school. I was never one of the popular kids, yet also never on the loner end of the spectrum either. Always hovering somewhere between the two. I was never athletic, and never had any interest to be, so was usually chosen last for team sports in gym, a stigma that stings to this day. Knowing that you weren’t wanted by either side, but had to be settled upon eventually, can be a very demeaning feeling, especially to a 10 year old.

You never really lose, or shed the core of who you’ve always been. Formerly obese people, who have kept weight off for years, tell me that they still see the overweight person they once were. It never really goes away. In a sense, it is part of who we were, are and will be in the future, even if it is hidden. So it sticks to us, an adhesive attribute, not easily flung off with a flick of the wrist. And we must resign ourselves to accept this, for we cannot reject parts of who we are and retain others. The entire package is ours for life – not to be divided as suits our mood.

Ultimately, no matter how confident and self-assured I may appear outwardly, I am still deathly afraid of rejection or ridicule, at any level. And this may be why I am reluctant to place myself unsolicited into the middle of many social situations. My comfort level has never been there. So I spend my time lingering just outside, contributing when I feel it’s safe, and occasionally venturing into that zone of discomfort, pushing my internal envelope, even though it terrifies me. But the terror belongs to me, and I can harness it. I guess that’s the first step. And at least I have taken it.

A Defining Moment

I have recently been told that I am a completely different person than I used to be. And though I know it pained the bearer of this news, and the method in which it was delivered was far from tactful and diplomatic, it gave me a small sense of satisfaction, because it reinforced my view of who I am, and who I have become.

I have been on a lifelong search for contentment in self. I believe this search is ongoing, and we constantly reinvent and renew who we are over the years.

Seven years ago, I found a new niche: in running. It has evolved from the occasional 2-mile, barely exerting myself, run every couple of days, to the extreme of logging up to 40 miles a week training for marathons.

I know there are people in my social circle who strive to understand this passion I have embraced, and regardless, accept me for who I am, no matter what I do. Others have not been as understanding, and have questioned, criticized and disregarded its importance in my life.

This latter group is smaller, and I feel sorry for the limited understanding they have. This is why I have become more accepting and receptive to others’ choices and interests. To stay open, to try to see through other people’s eyes is an ongoing test, and I just hope that those people who don’t understand me will someday find it in themselves to try. Running has become one of my definitions, but it is not, nor ever will be my only one. I think that is what some other people cannot or will not distinguish. For this they are truly missing out.

Perhaps one day, they will see and feel what I do: the challenge in every steep hill I pass, the endless tranquility of a leaf covered trail, the sounds of my breath and the feel of my heart beating in my chest, the triumph of crossing the finish line of my first, and subsequent, marathon, the achievement of breaking a personal record on a training run, the beauty in a sweat soaked body bent over with exertion, the pleasure in the pain of exhausted muscles, the smell of new running shoes just out of the box and ready to run, the need to do it over and over again, because in the end it just feels good.

I know I have not stopped evolving, and I sincerely hope I don’t ever stop. I think it is essential to who I am as a person, and who I continue to become. And although I won’t force my decision onto anyone else, neither will I apologize for these choices, or the way in which I have opted to live my life. The clarity and simplicity in which I approach things now is refreshing and I don’t ever want to lose that. It is for this very reason that I won’t.