The one that ran away… (part II)

You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find
Running into the sun but I'm running behind
Running on Empty – Jackson Browne

As I continue to explore this theme, I’m a little stunned and a lot ashamed of my reasons for running.

I met David one Halloween at the bar. I didn’t dress up. Neither did he. I was wearing a red hoodie so we pretended we had come as Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. He growled and I laughed. After a few dates I noticed that he had an aversion to wearing deodorant; he said that it attracted bugs in the bush – he was a forest firefighter. Then I found out that he was so homophobic that he wouldn’t use a pink towel or drink from a pink coffee mug. There were some things I just couldn’t ignore. We lived and worked in different towns so I thought it would be easy to let this fade away by not calling him. But a week later, after not hearing from me, and finding out from my parents where I was staying, he decided to come and visit. By sheer coincidence I had chosen that very day to drive to my parents place for a visit. As I rounded a tight corner on the highway I spotted David’s truck going in the opposite direction. Thinking maybe he hadn’t seen me I glanced in my rear view mirror to see brake lights go on. That was my cue to hit the gas. It took him over 10 miles to catch up to me. I pretended to be surprised to see him “behind” me. Soon after that I ran away for a month-long trip to Europe and when I returned there was little left to hang onto.

And then there’s the most superficial reason yet. I’d met Stan at the wedding of my University roommate. After chatting for most of the evening and learning that we both enjoyed biking, he asked me out on a biking date. We met up and headed off side by side down a quiet little street in the city. We heard a car behind us and Stan pulled up ahead of me so we were riding single file. I looked up to see a black matt of back hair curling out over the neck of his t-shirt. I suddenly developed a ‘stomach ache’ and with apologies to Stan headed home. The next time he called I told him that I’d gotten back together with an old boyfriend. (Coward that I was.)

Sometimes, it's harder to face myself than face the world
But there's nowhere to run girl
There's nowhere to run
No Place to Run – Gym Class Heroes

When I got married I thought I was finished with running. I’d found a place where I felt safe. Years went by and the urge to run never arose, until a few years after my children were born. But this time it was a different kind of running. I began to run for fitness. As I look back on it now, from a completely detached viewpoint, I can see that the physical running was only thinly disguised as running away. Each time I laced up my shoes and headed out the door I suddenly felt free of all encumbrances. But it was like I pushed the pause button - there were no phones ringing, no children to feed, no house to clean, no dinner to cook – I knew it would all be there when I returned, but for the time being, there was nothing but me, the feel of my shoes padding the gravel path and the sound of my breathing and heartbeat as I found my internal rhythm.

I’ve never been able to explain it succinctly except to say that life happens.

I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet
Animal Song – Savage Garden

I know I wasn’t running away from responsibility. I loved being a mom to my children. I loved keeping a home. But there were obviously things that I didn’t love, and it was those things that were easier to run from, and hope they went away, than to deal with face to face. (For further dissection of this topic see Continual Evolvement.) I used to wonder if I was just being spineless and taking the easy way out, but I know that it would have been easier to stay than it was to run. People who know me know that I am very non-confrontational. In most cases I will choose the path of least resistance. So when they found out that I had run/walked away from a 12-year marriage many people were a little surprised, but said they could see it coming.

'Cause goodbye's on the tip of my tongue
Tell me there's a reason to stay
Cause I'm about to get up and run
Tip of My Tongue – Kelly Clarkson

As I further delve into my motives and dissect each of the situations I’ve outlined, there is a common theme, but one my readers wouldn’t have seen. In each of these situations - Nick, Kevin, George, David, Stan, my ex – I vaguely recall feeling slight trepidation during the initial bonding to these individuals. In all cases I also remember sloughing it off as “cold feet” and that I would get over it, or perhaps, used to it. Obviously I never did. That observation, quite frankly, frightened me. Was I destined to be a runner? Were all my future relationships doomed from the start? And then I thought about the ones from whom I didn’t run. I realized there was never that gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And in those situations, including the one I’m currently in, there is a feeling of just knowing it is right for me. If I’ve learned anything from this exercise it’s that my gut instinct is usually accurate. Although that’s small consolation for the people I ran from, some of whom had true and deep feelings for me, I’m somewhat bolstered by this insight.

“You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom.”
-Frank Morgan as the Wizard of Oz