Selfless to Settling to Selfish

I knew that my life was about to change when there came an “Aha” moment and I realized that I didn’t want to settle anymore. At the time, I didn’t think I had a choice, and, because I thought that way, I didn’t. But let me backtrack…

Selflessà As a new wife, of course I focused on my husband, our home. As a mother, the shift was even more pronounced and somewhere along the way I just began to give it all away – keeping nothing for myself. Isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Views shift as you mature, and you begin to focus on the external, doing for others because it just feels good. I always took the burnt steak or toast. If there wasn’t enough bacon for everyone, I just went without. The kids and my husband always came first. After a while it felt normal, and just what everyone expected of me so I didn’t notice it anymore. I began to settle.

Settling à Life seemed to be about everyone but me. I had actually convinced myself that this was just the way it was. I don’t remember when the shift back actually began but sometimes I had frighteningly brief glimpses of my future. I remember lying awake some nights and wondering how much more I could give? How would I muster the energy to do this for the rest of my life? I was draining my very life essence away – and I couldn’t say anything, Because of the nature of who I was at the time, I wouldn’t say anything. I must have recognized at one point that if I continued thusly I would start to resent the very people I professed to love, and I could not let that happen.

Selfish à Everyone is selfish as a child – egocentric – the world revolves around and exists only for you. As you mature you realize that there are others in the world, and that being selfish is not so nice. As an adult the brief moments when I considered taking something for myself, I remember feeling a horrible guilt, “I should not be doing this!” It went on like that for a long time. My inner make-up was solidly built and not an easy barrier to break down. I think the turning point came shortly after I ran my first marathon. I realized that I loved running, how it made me feel on the inside and the outside. It stripped away the stresses of everyday life, and calmed me to the point where I knew that, “AHA! I had found my panacea”. This was going to help me. And I knew that by doing this, I was being completely selfish, probably for the first time in my adult life. In time I learned that it is completely acceptable to be selfish now and then if it means that you are going to be a better person for those around you. Taking time for yourself doing things that contribute to your well-being will go far when it comes time for you to give back.

Unfortunately not everyone saw things the way I did. But that’s another story. For the most part, being sometimes selfish has been a positive in my life. My kids see it, and understand it, and have their own selfish moments too. I let them, because I don’t want them to settle like I did.

Me? A Clothes Horse...Not bloody likely!

My significant other and I were having breakfast one morning not too long ago…I had showered and dressed for work and he looked at me and said, “You don’t buy clothes very often do you?”. At first I thought it was a reflection on my wardrobe choice, perhaps he thought it outdated or something, but he continued on with, “I was just thinking that I can’t remember you ever buying clothes other than running stuff.” (We’ve been together for over a year now). And I thought to myself for a moment and could not remember the last time I had gone into a store to purchase an article of casual clothing aside from the bathing suit I bought when we went to Jamaica in February.

This simple statement started gears turning inside my head. I thought about the times I’ve been to Winners or other larger clothing stores, discount or otherwise. I seem to glide blindly through the racks, fingering fabric, looking at random pieces but seeing rows upon rows of nothing. I usually get frustrated and impatient and end up leaving empty-handed. Then there are other times (fewer and much farther between) when I go into smaller stores, head straight to the clearance rack and find something in less than a minute.

At most stores the racks are usually organized by S-M-L etc. so I can head straight to my size. The difference being the larger stores have what seems like an unremitting selection. I get completely overwhelmed with so many choices and almost panic. I have come to the realization that if I have to choose from a store carrying 30+ shirts or one carrying 5 shirts, I will almost always find something I like in the store with only 5 shirts. When there are fewer choices to make the easier it is for me. (I have the same issues at ice-cream parlors where there are a multitude of flavors...I find it easier to choose between vanilla and chocolate than 45 different flavours.) I envy those women who can spend hours in these stores and emerge with fashionable wardrobes that they have put together from the endless racks.

It may be because I still have insecurities when it comes to choosing clothes that look good on me. I always find flaws. For some reason I seem to do better when I don’t actually try the clothes on first (perhaps internally it is easier for me to like the piece if I get it home and try it on because returning it becomes a huge chore -- keeping it seems less complicated). And I do best when someone else buys the clothes for me as a gift (again, the “not having a choice” comes into play). So I suppose my SO is a lucky man, living with a woman who is afraid to shop for clothes.

Anyone want to be my personal shopper?

The Rules

I was thinking about rules the other day and how many people have rules they live by. I think most of us have rules that we don’t even consider as rules, just the way we live our lives. I thought of the many rule/doctrines/tenets that guide people through their lives, and realized that there were many of my own, that I didn’t know I had. This list is by no means exhaustive (I seriously could have gone on for pages) but I chose a few that stuck out in my mind as particularly relevant to my life, past, present and future. Here they are in no particular order:

20 rules I’ve broken (but am learning from)
1. DON’T SETTLE --> Life is too short. I want to spend the rest of my days happy and able to look back without regrets…so far so good.
2. SAY ONE THING AND DO THE OPPOSITE --> Not any more. I’ve been able to become accountable to myself, and if I say I’ll do something, I’m going to do it. This is especially important when it comes to my kids. They know that if I promise them we will do something, we will do it.
3. NEVER TELL A LIE --> still working on this one but I think little white lies every now and then are needed.
4. PAY OFF YOUR CREDIT CARD EVERY MONTH --> give me time…this one is tough!
5. SAVE FOR RETIREMENT – START EARLY --> I didn’t start early enough…but I started.
6. WHEN YOU START SOMETHING, FINISH IT --> I used to be notorious for starting something and not finishing it. I’m getting better but there are unfinished projects still waiting for me.
7. ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME, AND DO IT RIGHT --> I’m not the greatest multi-tasker. I can do many things, I just can’t do them all to the level of satisfaction that I would like. So I have learned to pare down what I do.
8. RELEASE BITTERNESS --> I’ve seen enough bitterness to know that it completely consumes you. Reason enough to leave it far behind.
9. NEVER TAKE ANYONE/ANYTHING FOR GRANTED --> Anyone who’s been dumped without warning, or has lost everything they own to a house fire can appreciate this.
10. WHEN CHOOSING SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, DON’T MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITH – MARRY SOMEONE YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT --> This is a rule that I don’t think I could have avoided...hindsight is always 20/20.
11. ACCEPT YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE --> The more I began to love me for me (faults and all), the easier this became.
12. FORGIVE YOURSELF --> I punished myself over and over with this…learning to forgive yourself is much harder than forgiving others.
13. YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING --> But I want to…
14. SAY NO TO SOMETHING I FEEL I SHOULD DO BUT REALLY DON’T WANT TO --> I used to have a very healthy and active guilt complex. It made me do many things that I didn’t want to do.
15. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY --> I still break this rule on occasion… especially when it comes to running. I love running so much that I will ignore nagging pains in favour of going out for a run. But when it comes to illness, or gut feelings, my body rarely lies to me.
16. UNDERSTAND THAT FRIENDS COME AND GO... --> and some come back again and again, while others disappear. This can be summed up in the recent blog of a friend of mine who wrote extensively on this…There are reasons for everything.
17. REMEMBER THE COMPLIMENTS YOUR RECEIVE, FORGET THE INSULTS --> Humans are wired to react to ‘threats’, and insults can fall into that category. I’m still oiling my feathers.
18. ALWAYS READ DIRECTIONS --> Too much time spent driving around endlessly or completely dismantling and then reassembling things has showed me how valuable a time saver this is.
19. FLOSS EVERY DAY --> My bad
20. BE THE FIRST TO SAY SORRY --> Or take the high road. I sometimes get beaten to it, but I recognize when I’m wrong.

20 rules I’ve learned to follow (although with some it’s taken time)
1. ACCENTUATE/FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE --> And surround yourself with others who do the same. It’s amazing what kind of constructive energy you can create together. I love smiling and I love it when others smile; their faces completely change – in a good way.
2. SPEND SOME TIME ALONE EVERY DAY --> I walk to work every day – depending on my route it can take me 30 minutes to just under an hour. I use this time to reflect and think about things, I listen to the radio or my iPod, or sometimes I just turn off, and take in my surroundings…there is something different to see every day – you just have to look for it.
3. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF --> Uh…I have enough big stuff to sweat!
4. AFTER YOU USE IT, PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT…--> because it really bothers me when others don’t do the same.
5. CHOOSE THE PATH LESS TRAVELLED --> Because I love breaking trail and seeing what’s around the next corner. I’m not one who follows the crowd, and haven’t been for a very long time.
6. DRINK LOTS OF WATER --> I love water and my body loves me for this.
7. CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN, LET GO OF THE REST --> When I gained weight after two pregnancies I took the steps to lose it, and tone up the “mummy-tummy”, because I could. What I couldn’t do is change my foot size, which is the same size as my boyfriend’s. I have come to terms with that, and have embraced being able to wear his shoes!
8. GET USED TO STEPPING OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE --> The easiest way to do this is take a deep breath, and jump! (also known as “doing one thing a day that scares you”)
9. STAY YOUNG --> Having two young children and a boyfriend who is young at heart makes this very easy. I never feel my age…
10. KEEP THE MORAL HIGH GROUND --> When you see how this affects people whom it’s consumed, you recognize its importance.
11. DON’T BE AFRAID TO DREAM --> No problem here – sometimes I think I dream too much.
12. DANCE… --> to my own music (inside my head) most of the time
13. GET TO KNOW YOUR PARENTS; YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY’LL BE GONE FOR GOOD --> The older you get the wiser your parents get – nuff said.
14. ACCEPT WHAT IS DONE IS DONE…--> like when you click “send” on an email you weren’t completely sure you should send. (attached to this should be; "BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS")
15. HAVE A BELIEF SYSTEM --> I am a spiritual person. The good things in my life are proof that there is a higher power working for me (and all people). I can’t explain it, but it’s there.
16. EXERCISE BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD, NOT BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD FOR YOU --> This may come as a surprise to those who know me and the amount of physical activity I do on a regular basis, but there was a time when I had to force myself to do anything physical. I think the turning point was finding things that were fun, and that I could do with others (so it really didn’t feel like exercise). Once it became a habit it was easier. Now I get cranky when I need exercise…and once I get it, I feel an overall sense of calm and satisfaction.
17. DON’T DWELL ON THE PAST --> Experience has taught me that since you can’t change the past there’s no point in dwelling on it…though I have wasted a lot of time ‘dwelling’.
In the words of Buddha: “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
18. DON’T LIVE IN THE FUTURE --> See above
19. FORGIVE OTHERS -->I wrote a blog post on forgiveness and how it freed me to forgiveness in my life. I have learned that holding grudges leads to bitterness which Bertrand Russell calls “a sign of emotional failure”.
20. WHEN YOU SAY “I LOVE YOU”, MEAN IT --> I say it more as I get older…to my parents(who I never used to tell how I felt – wasn’t cool you know), to my children (sometimes to their chagrin and embarrassment – get used to it kids, it’s not going to stop), and to my best friend and partner for life (I love him truly madly deeply).

Finding Time

I miss the simple times when everyone had time for a cup of coffee and a chat now and then. It seems like if I want to get together with people we have to check our day timers and find some mutual free time, usually a week or so down the road, and then schedule it in, hoping no emergency meetings are called that require cancelling our plans. There are no more last minute phone calls saying, let’s go for coffee this afternoon. Perhaps it’s a symptom of the busy lives we all seem to be leading these days. I will be the first to admit that I am as guilty as the next person and I don’t like it. When you add family into the mix you are suddenly weighed down with juggling everyone else’s schedules. Unfortunately, many things get lost in the shuffle.

I guess I am very lucky to have a supportive circle. I have tried and true friends, some who go back years, and others just months. There are people in my life who I can sit down with after extended periods of time apart and life continues on as if there was no break at all. With others (thankfully few and far between) though, it feels like you have to start all over again at rock bottom. But with most of my friends, it is worth it.

I enjoy catching up with people in person. Faces tell so much more than words on a piece of paper, or computer screen, or even voices on the phone. But even those are better than blank pages or silence. In the end, I’d rather sit down with you over a steaming cup of coffee (with cream :) or better yet, a cool frosty beer, and discuss the simple mundane things happening in our lives. Because I am a simple soul after all.

Day and Night – Black and White – Then and Now

There was a time I took it for granted that there were just some things I would do on my own, and I thought I was okay with that.

It’s been intimated in other posts that I have always considered myself somewhat of a loner so when I started running I thought nothing of training by myself. As the running craze took off among my friends I started training and racing with others. I began to notice something interesting at the end of races – my fellow runners were being greeted by a partner/husband/wife/kids at the finish line. I thought this a nice gesture and the more I raced the more I realized that I didn’t have that, and I began to get jealous.

You see, running had become a big part of my life. I felt good after a run, I got sick less, I toned up and I looked for validation, support and encouragement in those around me. Because my significant other didn’t seem to understand the importance, and my kids were too young to, I had to look elsewhere. But somehow, no matter how many times your parents or family or close friends tell you how well you are doing, you still want to hear it from the one person who you considered your best friend and soul mate. But it just didn’t happen.

Time went on…running partners came and went but I just couldn’t stick with one because many times when running with others I often felt as if I was either pushing them too hard or holding them back even though we were probably on the same pace. I started to feel stressed when I ran with others and I knew that that wasn’t right. Why couldn’t I just let myself relax and just run? It stemmed back to wanting to fit in and never feeling like I completely did – to this day I battle that (but that’s another story;)).

None of this deterred or discouraged me from running. I just ran alone, or with my music. I compiled playlists that got me through some of my toughest runs. And races…I raced alone.

Then fate brought me back to a running partner from a few years back. We had run together for about 6 months before injuries caused each of us to adjust our schedules. When we reconnected we were both on the mend and unable (or unwilling) to rejoin a group again for fear of holding them back or pushing ourselves too much.

We started slowly – he gave me tips and pointers that helped me get stronger and run longer. We improved together. There was never any guilt when I ran with him and that felt so good. His patience guided me and eventually running together felt natural. I never had to think about pace, or holding him back because we were so well matched. We grew close, physically and emotionally. Then it came time for the first race of the season. He was at my side – encouraging me but more importantly believing in me like no one ever had.

At the finish line he was there – a smile and a hug and words that I had never heard from someone that close to me before. “I knew you could do it!” and “I’m so proud of you!” Something as small as that, that others in my circle had no doubt heard countless times, moved me nearly to tears.

I have to be honest and admit I am a fragile person at the core. I hurt very easily, although I may not show it and I tend to over analyze others’ actions sometimes to the point of driving myself to distraction. I’ll read into situations and gestures what was never meant to be read, and even though I shouldn’t, I do take many things personally. But this is one arena where I am finally beginning to feel comfortable. I have to work on the other, but like I said above, that’s for another blog.

What if…?

As I walked the final block to my office building this morning the thought went through my mind, “What if I had walked on the other side of the street?” Could something as insignificant as choosing to walk on one side of the street versus the other have any impact on the big picture in life? Many movies have been made that show the completely different paths that a person’s life could have taken, had they made one decision over another. And if you believe that fate is in control of our destiny then it can be argued that no matter what path you take, what decision you make, the outcome will always be the same.

The question “What if…?” comes up often when people have been involved in accidents or occasions of bad luck; “What if I had left for work 5 minutes earlier?” or “What if I’d gone back to check if the stove was still on?”

I think one of my recurring “What ifs” goes back to my marriage. I was out running the other day and while I run, I think…a lot. I was reflecting on how happy I have been recently. I have someone in my life who supports me without question. When I first began running, around 10 years ago now, my husband at the time begrudgingly accepted it into our lives. But as time wore on, and my first half marathon came and went, and I decided that I wanted to attempt a full, the begrudging acceptance turned into minor resentment. I was told that the long training runs I did were taking away from ‘family time’, even though I scheduled these runs early on Saturday mornings long before the rest of the family were even thinking about waking up. I was made to feel like a selfish person, sacrificing my family for my fitness and my race goals, even though deep inside I knew this not to be the case. The person I was back then was guilted easily. I cut back on runs that I knew I needed so I would be there to make breakfast for the family. Deep down I knew that this was a ploy, but I could not bring myself to do otherwise.

Then I wondered…what if I left…?

I used to think it rude to leave in the middle of a movie, or stop part way through a book – as though you were personally insulting the author by not finishing, so I plodded through plotless books and movies that didn’t interest me beyond the first ten minutes.

But after a period of stagnation I realized that life was too short to be wasted watching movies that no longer interested me, or reading books where the plot sizzled out somewhere around page 237, or remaining a marriage that not only no longer fulfilled me, but saddened me. I was accused of giving up, of not trying hard enough, but when I weighed the cost of the fight, over the benefit of a clear conscience, there was no choice to be made – it was already done – I just didn’t know it.

So I left…Because I could do nothing else.
And maybe it just hit me one day
That I could just get up and walk out…

The funny thing is since I left I’ve sometimes wondered…what if I stayed?

Grinning from ear to ear…

There’s never anything wrong with shaking it up a little, and I recently have done just that. I took my first steps, or perhaps I should say my first pedals, on a bona fide mountain bike. I really only have one thing to say about this, WooHoo!

Ok, I have ridden bikes for most of my life. I learned how to ride as a child when my grandfather sat me on a bicycle and pushed me down a hill. It was a sink or swim (aka ride or fall down) reaction, and before I knew it I was riding all around my grandparents’ farm that summer. My parents had bought me my first bike, a blue SuperCycle, earlier that year, but because I couldn’t ride it yet, stared longingly at it until I returned from my summer vacation. I upgraded quickly to an orange three speed bike, high tech for its day. Bikes came and went over the years but I stayed on the road and the sidewalk, never venturing much farther off the beaten path.

I purchased my first bike in Winnipeg when I moved there in 1989, a fully rigid Yokota Ahwanee hybrid, and still have the bike, 20 years later. It is heavy and cumbersome to lug up and down the stairs, but it has taken me through numerous adventure races, and many hundreds of miles. I have gotten my money and more back from the bike, and it still holds a very special place in my life, as I still ride it on a regular basis.

But when I found an enthusiastic cycling partner who introduced me to off-road biking, combined with a nice income tax refund, I knew it was time to take the next step. The Yokota, unfortunately, is not bike enough to tackle trails, so I began shopping for a something that could. That “something” came in the form of a Giant TranceX4. Knowing absolutely nothing about bikes made it a challenge, but advice flew at me from all angles, and before long I was immersed in bike-speak. I learned the difference between a soft-tail, hard-tail and dual suspension, could understand V-brakes versus disc versus hydraulic disc. And fortunately, I was able to get my wish list for the price I had planned to pay.

Being an avid runner I was not prepared for the intense burn that came with the short hill-climbing bursts, and I was definitely surprised to find that trees are more difficult to out-maneuver when you are approaching them at ‘faster-than-running’ speed. But I laugh when I fall down and I get up and continue on. It has been a wonderful break from running, and I have met some great people who are more than happy to share advice and insults. This group thinks “It’s funny until someone gets hurt, then it’s hilarious!” and “If you are not hurting after a day of biking, you must be road riding.” I love their attitudes and the positive vibes I get when around them. There is no competition, only camaraderie.

So I am currently preparing for a weekend of MTBing near Minaki Ontario. I am excited and pleased that I have found other interests that challenge me like running has. I’m off to leave a little DNA on trail!